She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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