Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
