I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
