i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
