I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Farmville is her only friend.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
