Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
