mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
