she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
