I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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