hotel room ftw
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize