o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
