I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
ttyl tear gas
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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