I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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