I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
