i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the day after is always just damage control
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
