there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
