Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Someone shattered a urinal.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
