6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
