Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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