I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
