Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
