3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
