just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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