i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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