I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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