I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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