Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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