theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
