Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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