this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I came so hard my ears popped.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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