i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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