So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When did angry sex become our thing?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
