help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
