Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
