got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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