dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
