Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
