another moral hangover. fuck.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
