I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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