In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
