im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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