A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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