Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
