He uses pillows to masturbate.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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