you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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