i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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