Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
