Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
