I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
