So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I AM VODKA MAN
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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