U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
