He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize