I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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