homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
