i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Too much gin, very little bucket
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
