I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
