I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
