Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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