I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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