My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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