I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
